I began the planning process for a new project with my brother but, like with most things, the idea fizzled out when life and all its negativity took over. It gave me a bit of hope to talk through some musical and artistic ideas for a change with someone who understood and could contribute something beneficial to the project. I suppose it doesn’t help that I’m not on speaking terms with my brother at the moment. Long story. You don’t want to know.
Aside from that project, I had a song drift into my mind a few weeks ago. I was able to notate the melody and rhythms for the first couple of verses. It’s a very laid back melody with a folksy feel to it that people associate the best with my voice. I want it to go someplace different and shocking afterwards for some contrast, and I have an idea of where it should go, I just haven’t written it down yet. The whole song looks like a bit of scrap manuscript at the bottom of my carry bag. There’s something innately satisfying about that.
Conversely, there’s something very confining and restricting about putting a melody to paper. Before I actually notate a melody, it feels free and alive. It can mature and change. Once I write it down, though, it gets stuck to the paper. It becomes something tangible I can hold in my hand, something concrete. I write melodies to have that concreteness, so I don’t lose them in the cluttered storehouses of my memory. I write them out of fear that they will change into something I don’t want, that I will lose them. Perhaps recording myself humming would be a better way to hold onto things, but then it would take more time to sort through the various versions and listen to them and figure out which is which and what works and what doesn’t.
It is quite the conundrum. All of this is, of course, overridden by the fact that even if/when I do finish the piece, it will pretty much die there. I have no performance venues and inadequate recording supplies. For one little song that nags my head, it really is hardly worth it. Oh well. I guess I will choose to continue pretending to be a musician because, in the end, having a music degree doesn’t really make me one.